


closer than my hands have been

by abovemvthroat



Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Angst, Flashbacks, M/M, Multi, Pining, past relationship, this is a mess
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-30
Updated: 2016-12-30
Packaged: 2018-08-24 11:13:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,175
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8370046
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/abovemvthroat/pseuds/abovemvthroat
Summary: everything felt wrong. everything felt different. the snow outside was different, 3am was different, josh was different. but he had to give tyler credit; he'd always been the same. and josh was a fool to think he could change that so easily. 
josh thought tyler would come back to him someday. that they'd both grow up and things could be different. but josh always had been so naive when it came to tyler.





	

**Author's Note:**

  * For [blairbean](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=blairbean), [wastedandalone](https://archiveofourown.org/users/wastedandalone/gifts), [lumoon33](https://archiveofourown.org/users/lumoon33/gifts).



> hard to believe i'm finally publishing this. it's taken a long time to write, and if it weren't for my amazing friend avery i wouldn't even be posting it right now. sorry for the length and the angst, i have a tendency to overindulge on both of those. but please let me know what you think! 
> 
> (i'd also like to note that i love jenna and tyler, i don't mean any disrespect to either of them, this is just a work of fiction bc i live for angst. and joshler. hope you like it x) 
> 
> [title + work based on jealous by labrinth | lowercase intentional]

**7.2014** •••

josh can't remember the last time he  _touched_  tyler. 

he stays awake some nights, grasping blindly for that memory, wherever it is in his mind. it feels wrong to forget, like losing one more piece of tyler, a piece he can't spare. 

he can't remember it, the last time he willingly felt the other boy's skin beneath his own without pulling away, without reminding himself not to linger. can't remember the last time tyler  _wanted_  josh to touch him like that.   

he remembers the first time, times in between. they're still real in his mind, real as the relentless hum of the bus on the road, as the thin blanket gripped in his numb fingers. but the end has become hazy, unfocused. maybe his mind had been in shock at the time, too unnerved by what'd followed to bother retaining that last moment they'd had. and maybe that's for the best. but some nights all josh wants is to live in that moment again. to shut his eyes and pretend it's more than a collection of lifeless images in his head. 

••• **6.2011**

the basement was always so cold. even in summer. even columbus's highest temperatures didn't reach the basement for some reason. maybe that was part of why tyler liked it so much, why he spent so much time down there. it was one of many things that made it feel separate from the rest of the world, like some rules didn't apply here. 

when tyler was 23, nothing made sense. nothing outside of his parents' basement, outside of his own mind, really. aside from his music, and aside from josh.   

josh made sense to tyler, in his tiny world full of things he couldn't decipher, josh was something he could. tyler pulled everything he could from him, never ended a conversation without wanting more, always more, from josh's mind. understanding people, connecting with them, was never something tyler had been good at, but it was like their pieces all fit together perfectly. josh was a book tyler could finally read, and he studied every page he could find. 

it'd been going so well, this new friendship, and tyler almost felt guilty. he had friends, friends he'd known for years, friends who never fully got tyler. but they'd never tried like josh did. this fascination tyler had with josh was mutual. it was intoxicating, being figured out by someone who worked for it, who  _wanted_  it, wanted to see the side of tyler he'd never shown. little by little josh had been making cracks in tyler, but tyler wanted him to break him open all the way. 

tonight would be different. it wouldn't be half-hour phone calls or group outings with mutual friends whom they'd eventually break away from to go talk somewhere more private. josh would come over, they'd  _talk_. tyler knew he shouldn't be this nervous, it was only josh. only his friend. 

because it wasn't love. tyler had considered it, and he was sure of that much. josh's company had become a constant in his life and one he was grateful for. but he didn't feel anything real for the boy, easy as it was to zone out when josh talked, lose himself a bit in the way he spoke, the way his mouth formed the simplest words and how he smiled when he realized tyler wasn't listening. it was interest, maybe at the least infatuation. josh had that effect on people. love, though? that was a level of emotion tyler couldn't fathom at the moment. 

tyler's self-reflection was cut short by the knock at the door. he stood up too quickly, too eagerly, reminded himself to breathe.  _don't screw this up, don't lose this._  

he opened the door, and josh always did take his breath away, he'd admit that. there was something too pure and easy in his smile, too kind, to not be appreciated. and tyler opened the door further before he realized he still hadn't spoken. 

"uh, hey."  _inspired._  silently praying the rest of his vocabulary would return at some point, tyler let josh monopolize the conversation. he focused on putting one foot in front of the other, leading josh to his room where hopefully some level of comfort or normalcy could find him again. 

within minutes, as tyler should've expected, josh had made himself at home and was still carrying the weight of the conversation from his spot on the bedroom floor, something tyler couldn't help but relax at the sight of. josh being comfortable always had a similar effect on him, as if seeing josh happy reassured him that it was okay to calm down, that things were as they should be. tyler had initially claimed the foot of his bed but soon moved closer to josh, leaned against his bed in the same cross-legged position as the boy across from him. 

it was amazing how there was never a lull with josh. he always had something to say or ask, and tyler couldn't decide if it was just the way josh was or if he felt comfortable in tyler's presence, too. but regardless of how many hours passed or how much closer they gradually moved, there were endless topics and discussions to fill the space between them. 

tyler didn't bother to check the time until it was almost too dark to see josh's face a foot from his own. the most recent change in position had found them both lying on the floor, facing each other, searching for something else, anything else, to talk about. a few seconds passed before josh whispered something about the time, close enough now tyler could feel his breath on his skin. begrudgingly tyler sat up, glanced at his alarm clock across the room, blinked in surprise. "oh." josh shifted slightly, his arm grazing tyler's shoulder as he ran his fingers through his hair and yawned, "that late?" tyler grinned, though he knew josh couldn't see, lay back down on the floor, hoping josh hadn't made any move to leave just yet. "bout 6, guess some people might consider that a little late." josh's laugh was quiet, tired, but still enough to speed up tyler's pulse. "you need to go?" he hoped the disappointment in his tone went unnoticed. 

josh didn't answer, only slid his fingers across the carpet until they bumped against tyler's. "think i should?" tyler swallowed, his throat dry all of a sudden.  _no._

"you don't have to yet," tyler's voice was barely audible, heavy with sleep and nerves and longing, and he wondered if josh had even heard him. minutes passed and once again josh didn't reply, just slowly moved his fingers further up tyler's hand, across his palm, to his wrist, began gently tracing idle patterns on his skin. he hoped josh couldn't feel him shivering. "you still awake?" 

if that was the game josh wanted to play, then tyler didn't feel like answering, either. his free hand found josh's shoulder in the dark, which was quickly yielding to the sun, casting pale shadows across the room. 

tyler's fingers moved blindly along josh's chest, traced lines across his collarbones and up to his neck, where he stopped, josh's pulse hammering against tyler's palm. he let his thumb graze josh's jaw.  _your move._  tyler couldn't breathe, couldn't think, could hardly keep his eyes open.  

he waited for josh to move, to do  _anything_ , as long as he didn't stop touching him. he couldn't silence the frenzy of his thoughts, couldn't bring himself to stop wondering what the rest of josh felt like, if he'd find out today. 

josh's fingers left tyler's wrist, and tyler's eyes snapped open at the loss of contact until a slight pressure on his waist brought the younger boy's thoughts to a screeching halt. he was sure josh could hear his heart, loud as it was, like it was trying to break out of his chest. josh's thumb lazily stroked back and forth across his ribs, and tyler felt a groan building in his throat. he didn't understand how something so simple could affect him this much, make him feel this out of breath. 

josh's fingers were cold through the thin material of tyler's t-shirt and yet everywhere he touched burned, in the most incredible way, and tyler forgot about the time and the fact that his family was in the house and everything that didn't have to do with josh. 

tyler supposed it was his turn, wondered what he was supposed to do now, couldn't think straight long enough to  _decide_  what to do now, but josh made the decision for him. 

tyler stilled the second josh's nose bumped slightly against his, held back a nervous laugh. what was he, sixteen? he'd kissed someone before, this was nothing new. 

except it was, everything with josh was something new and unprecedented and tyler was at a loss, everything he'd learned and practiced in high school was out the window and he was in completely unfamiliar territory. this wasn't some girl from first period behind the gym, this was  _josh_ , this was  _real_. his breathing was unsteady and he knew josh could hear it, could feel the rise and fall of his ribs. 

tyler moved his free hand to josh's chest, he wanted to feel josh's heartbeat, assure himself he wasn't the only nervous one. he realized he could hear josh's elevated breathing too, could feel his heart's rapid pace. this was ridiculous, they were in their twenties, a kiss wasn't supposed to be this big of a deal. 

only right now it was, and tyler wasn't sure if that was because it was josh or because it'd been so long since he'd been held like this. maybe he never had. he didn't know, he was too much of a wreck at nothing more than josh's fingertips to think about anyone else. pathetic. 

he started to wonder if josh was actually going to do anything more than that, if all he wanted was to be a tease and then go home. tyler slightly dug his fingers into the back of josh's neck, and like it was all he needed, josh barely met tyler's lips, and tyler couldn't help his sigh of contentment. 

josh still tasted like the skittles he'd raided tyler's kitchen for hours earlier, and tyler wanted to melt. he pressed into josh, leaned more fully into the kiss, fingers moving up to tangle in the hair at the nape of his neck. some low sound of approval from josh was all the warning he got before the kiss deepened further and he was being gently pushed onto his back, josh half hovering over him. tyler felt teeth graze his lower lip, hands roam over his shirt. he was vaguely aware of his own hands on josh's shoulders, fingers dipping under the fabric of his t-shirt, which josh took as permission as his own slipped under the hem of tyler's shirt, cold fingers sending a shock up tyler's spine. 

tyler jolted at the sound of his phone alarm blaring inches from his ear, nearly biting down on josh's lip in the process. he felt josh smile, lips tracing a line down tyler's jaw, throat, collarbone, and tyler blindly grabbed for his phone to shut off the awful racket of his 6:30 alarm. josh finally lifted his head, and tyler missed the contact already. his chest was still rising and falling at a much too rapid pace, and josh moved back to his original place on the floor before tyler had a chance to compare. neither said a word, tyler only reached for josh's fingers again, linking them in his own. 

tyler realized how much lighter the room had become, was grateful for it. josh looked as flushed and content as tyler felt, eyes half-closed and lips a deeper shade of pink than before. 

tyler closed his own eyes for a moment, focused on josh's gradually slowing breathing and attempted to match it. alright. so infatuation it was. just because josh was attractive, and tyler was undeniably attracted  _to_  him, it didn't mean he was in love. josh was his friend. his friend who happened to render tyler incapable of logical thought if he got too close. but his friend nonetheless. and nothing more. 

but as he lay there, studying josh's swollen lips and slowly closing eyes, his pale fingers still half-heartedly intertwined with his own, tyler was much less sure of himself. 

**7.2014** •••

had what they had been real? was it ever as real to tyler as it was to josh? he wonders if tyler remembers the way  _they_  felt, or if he truly had felt that way at all. tyler never would say. like his actions in a dark room should be enough confirmation that he wanted josh. but they weren't, josh knew that even then and still refused to accept it.  

he knew how tyler was back then, how afraid he was to say what he felt. josh had never pushed, never tried to pry further than tyler wanted him to. but he knew tyler was aware of how badly he wanted it, how badly he wanted him to  _talk_ , to tell josh anything about what he was feeling, what exactly they were doing. 

a noise outside his bunk brings josh's attention back to the present, and he slips a hand out of the blankets to pull back the curtain a bit. tyler stands across the small aisle between bunks, fumbling in one of his bags for something. josh watches him for a moment, wonders what his skin feels like right now, if it's cold again. tyler was always so cold. 

"what're you looking for?" tyler startles a bit at josh's voice, blinks up at him for a second before returning his attention to the contents of his bag, corner of his mouth turned up in a tired smile, "secret, tell you tomorrow." 

josh watches him for another second, watches the way his eyes light up when he finds what he was looking for. he never pulls it out of the bag, never shows it to josh, just studies it for a second, as if to reassure himself it's still there, then drops the bag back on the floor and climbs back into his bunk with a  _night_  thrown over his shoulder to josh. 

so that's that. josh wracks his mind for what could possibly be so important in that tiny bag, so important tyler can't tell him what it is yet? tyler's an out-there guy, but he makes less sense than usual when he's sleep-deprived, it's probably nothing. but he can't stop thinking about it. they aren't lovers but they're still best friends, what wouldn't tyler tell him?  _he'd probably tell jenna._  sometimes josh wishes he could mute his thoughts.  

••• **9.2012**

the first time josh met jenna, he thought she was nice. nothing special. pretty, sure. but there wasn't anything about her that stood out, he wasn't head over heels like tyler's family was. which he should've felt bad about, he knew that. tyler's best friend, he was his best friend, why wouldn't he like the girl tyler was crazy about? that was what tyler wanted to know anyway. 

"i don't  _dis_ like her, there's nothing wrong with her. she's great," josh wouldn't meet tyler's eyes, tyler knew it meant he was uncomfortable. he hated making josh feel uncomfortable, he didn't wanna see josh anything but happy. but this was ridiculous. 

"so what then?" tyler slumped down on the foot of his bed, staring at his best friend, his  _best friend_. "why don't you seem a little happier? i found somebody." he already had the answer and josh knew it. 

josh exhaled, stopped spinning in tyler's desk chair to look him in the eye. "i am. i'm happy for you, ty," his voice was so quiet, tyler had to lean forward. "maybe i'm jealous," he breathed a laugh, turned to face tyler's computer. 

for a minute, tyler thought he'd actually say it. bring up the thing they'd never discussed again since the day it happened. he wasn't totally blind. he knew he'd hurt josh, knew he'd singlehandedly rebuilt a wall he'd worked so hard to tear down before. one that probably wouldn't be coming back down, regardless of how close they were as friends.  _best_  friends. he loved josh, he always would. but josh needed to understand that this was how things were now, how they needed to be. it was three years ago, tyler had moved forward, why couldn't he? 

josh wasn't looking at him again, whatever the results of the google search on tyler's laptop held was more interesting, he guessed. tyler sighed through his nose, pulled at a thread in his comforter. "you'll find somebody, too, josh." his voice sounded weak, strained, like he didn't believe the words coming out of his own mouth. josh wondered if he actually was aware of the problem. what, did he want josh to tell him he was still in love with him? was that what his whole angle was? josh didn't feel like playing games right now. 

josh smiled over his shoulder, "i know." that was it, that was all tyler got. i know. did he? did he really see that he would find somebody else? tyler couldn't wrap his head around the idea of josh still, after all these years, wanting him. he couldn't really. tyler wanted to shake him, tell him.  _it's not happening. it shouldn't have happened in the first place. we're best friends. end of story. don't make me lose you over this after all this time._

but he just stared at the back of josh's head, watched him type and mess around on his laptop. he knew josh wasn't really doing anything, he was probably just passing time until tyler left the room. tyler wanted to say something, anything. he used to know exactly what to say, no matter what was wrong. even before things had gotten more complex, back when their pieces first started fitting. he could take one look at josh and  _know_. 

tyler hated that he didn't know anymore. 

**7.2014** •••

does tyler ever think about it these days? josh is sure he used to. as recently as a year ago. it was obvious when he and jenna began dating. tyler had that look, josh knew it, there was some war going on in his mind. only thing he wasn't sure of was what it was about. he'd hoped it was about him, maybe tyler was unsure of moving on. nothing ever came of it, though, and tyler carried on with jenna. it still bothers josh that he doesn't know.  

he wonders if it still holds importance to tyler on some subconscious level, what they had, or if it's just a series of memories stored in a dark corner of tyler's mind, a place he's vowed to never revisit. act as if it never even happened. 

josh bites his tongue, hard, lets the pain bring him back to the present again. he's not sure why he tortures himself like this, or why it's so often lately. it usually happens when things are quiet, when tyler is either asleep a few feet away as he is now, or in someone else's presence. her presence. 

he loves jenna. loves her like a sister. jenna has never done anything to josh, she's kind and caring and everything you'd want in a girlfriend. so it makes sense, perfect sense, that tyler would love her. 

but there's still some small part of him that resents her. not for taking tyler from him, she wasn't responsible for that. he resents her in the same way he resents tyler. he doesn't hate them, he could never, especially tyler. but he can resent them. for being happy, for being in love. for her giving tyler something he'd rejected from josh. 

josh knows it's pathetic. three years, and he still won't let it go. can't get closure. he tries, tries too hard, to let go of it and just be friends. things would be so much simpler if he could just  _move on_. but tyler ended what they had before josh even knew what was happening, he'd never seen it coming and now he can't unsee it. can't forget what it felt like because it still feels that way, still hurts. the knowledge that  _tyler doesn't need him in that way_ , never did. 

it's so clear. it's in tyler's every smile, his every laugh, every look he gives jenna, that he moved on before josh even had a chance to truly fall. before josh completely realized what love was and that he felt it so strongly for tyler that it hurt. so easy to see now that the thought of  _someday_  never crossed tyler's mind where josh was concerned. he hates how much it hurts, hates himself for letting it hurt. he hates the  _jealousy_  that clouds his thoughts so much of the time, hates how grateful he was for the separate buses. how relieved he is sometimes when he's no longer sharing space with the two of them. best friends aren't supposed to feel that way.  _he isn't supposed to feel this way._  

••• **8** **.2011**

the nights spent in tyler's bedroom grew less innocent, but josh never did. he still hung onto the ideas of love and spending his life with another person, and that person in his imagination was quickly becoming tyler. the way tyler made him feel was something out of movies, it was deep and electric and so amazing it almost hurt. was he in love? he wasn't sure yet. he'd never been in love, didn't know how it felt. but he was sure of tyler, and that was all he needed right now. 

he'd begun spending more and more nights in tyler's bed, he became familiar with tyler's sheets and tyler's pillows and  _tyler._  familiar with hands venturing under clothes, lips finding new skin, half-awake blissed out smiles barely visible in moonlight. and that was the extent, but it was plenty for josh. tyler was plenty. 

he couldn't help but wonder if it was plenty for tyler, too. tyler wasn't one to discuss how he felt, josh had quickly learned. they'd talked about so many things, their lives and experiences and dreams. but tyler would never tell josh how he  _felt_. maybe he thought it was obvious. maybe hands and lips were tyler's language, and josh was still learning it. maybe marks on his shoulders meant  _i love you_  and hands pulling him closer in the middle of the night meant  _stay with me_. 

still, josh couldn't shake the pale fear in his mind that tyler wasn't feeling the same connection he was. that he wasn't for tyler what tyler was for him. but tyler had noticed, had started doing more. he'd reach for his hand when they weren't alone, he introduced him to more of his friends. josh began to feel more real. 

needless to say, the first time a petname left tyler's lips, josh was elated. maybe it wasn't the next level, but a half-step up perhaps. tyler was coming around to the idea of exclusivity, to the idea of josh, the idea of  _tyler and josh_. 

some saturday night they were in their usual place. not cold enough to complain but enough to use as an excuse to stay close. tyler had turned out the light, pulled blankets up closer, searched for josh's hand. time had passed so quickly and here they were,  _comfortable_  in each other's presence. something about that word unnerved tyler, it was such a commitment, such a responsibility, to be  _comfortable_  with another person. 

josh hooked his leg around tyler's, and tyler's thoughts slowed again. "your feet are cold," barely a murmur into josh's hair. josh reduced him to the simplest of thoughts sometimes, made it hard to think of things other than the here and now. 

tyler felt his small smile through his shirt. too tired to laugh. josh, hardly awake, hummed into tyler's shoulder, fingers stilled and now resting on the small of his back. like he had to focus every bit of energy left in his bones on staying awake another minute. tyler traced his spine, attempted to memorize each ridge and curve. the fondness he felt for this boy was deep, too deep, dangerous. but at the moment, he didn't let himself care. 

tyler sighed then, pulled the comforter higher up around josh, and josh couldn't help the word  _safe_  coming to mind. "night babe." 

suddenly josh was far more alert, felt that electricity in his chest again. josh waited several minutes but tyler didn't stir again after that. he'd called him  _babe_  and promptly fallen asleep. 

josh spent the better part of the next hour wondering where this left them, and convincing himself of things that weren't true. 

**7.2014** •••

there was always some part of josh that assumed tyler would come back. that he would realize what was missing, change his mind, take josh back. and he thinks part of him  _still_  believed that, that up until this morning he still held hope that it could happen. as much time as he'd spent bitter and unwilling to move forward, in the back of his mind there was still a small quiet voice that never stopped theorizing, trying to come up with ways to  _talk_  to tyler.  _tell him, confess, just tell him he screwed up, we belong together._  this morning had changed every piece of that fragile plan. 

and maybe josh never would've done anything. maybe he was too much of a coward to really go through with that. it was a bit bolder than the kind of thing he usually did. confront his best friend? his best friend he'd do anything to see happy? ask him to leave his girlfriend, break someone else so he could feel whole again. that's not josh, as much as he wishes it were. he just thought he'd  _come back_. 

the beauty of france is stifled by july wind, among other things. it's hard for josh to breathe most of the time, and the heat today doesn't help. neither does the news. he had to fake a phone call to get out of the room, which he felt guilty about but he needed a second to clear his head and evaluate himself. 

is he happy? yes. of course he's happy. his  _best friend_  is engaged. his best friend is happy. so of course he is. he refuses to focus on any other feeling that might be trying to make itself known. it's not about him now. 

he bites the edge of his tongue, almost stops. tyler had always been on him about that.  _how are we supposed to make out if you bite off half your tongue?_  and laughed when josh rolled his eyes. josh misses the laugh tyler'd had just for him. the one comforting thing was that he seemed different with jenna. though maybe that wasn't a good thing, maybe the way he used to act with josh was the way you're supposed to act when you're messing around. having fun. nothing too deep. he still misses it nonetheless. 

josh exhales, stares out at sprawling, unaware paris. he shuts his eyes, visualizes the stress unwrapping itself from his bones, tries to breathe a little more deeply. he gives paris one last lingering look and makes his way back inside. 

•••  **11.2011**

some people laughed when they were nervous, some cried. josh usually avoided eye contact, tried to make himself less noticeable. when tyler was nervous, he paced. relentlessly. his mother had always teased him about it,  _it's a wonder there aren't tracks on the floor._  but he couldn't be still, especially not tonight. 

his heart felt so split, but the bigger piece told him this was right, it had to be like this. it was best for both of them. he was too afraid to consider if that was actually true. 

josh knocked on the door, and tyler answered it with shaking hands and a weak smile. josh's own smile faltered slightly, no one but tyler would have noticed it. before josh could ask if he was okay, tyler reached for his hand and used it to steady his own. "let's talk, hm?" nodded toward the living room. unease formed in the pit of josh's stomach, but he ignored it. so what if tyler was changing their routine, so what if he wanted to talk, it didn't mean anything terrible. josh just squeezed tyler's fingers, closed the door with his heel. 

all the times he'd been here and he'd never actually studied all the rooms in tyler's house. they hadn't spent  _all_  their time in his bedroom, josh knew his way around. but there were little things. the pattern of the rug, the number of pillows on the couch. the framed photos scattered around the small space. he'd never really looked at those. should he have? 

tyler rubbed his thumb across josh's hand, still holding it between his own, his eyes trained on it rather than josh. "so," josh breathed. tyler looked up. one thing josh had spent time, too much time, studying was those eyes. usually he could find something in them to reassure himself. tonight they looked empty. 

"so," tyler repeated. "uh, i've been thinking." eyes returned to their hands, tyler continued to toy with josh's fingers, tangling and untangling them with his own. it felt more like a nervous habit than a show of affection. josh didn't ask questions, let tyler put his words together. "you know, it's just... we're really starting to get somewhere with this." 

tyler was mumbling, he didn't want to have this conversation. josh's unease grew, what was he talking about? did he not want him to be the drummer anymore? whatever, fine by josh, as long as he still got to tag along to shows, as long as he was still with tyler. 

tyler wanted to love josh. he wanted to love him and  _show_ him that he loved him and assure him that he'd done nothing wrong, that it was only tyler's fears between them. but as perfectly as he'd rehearsed it in his mind, the words didn't come out like that. 

"and i think maybe, we shouldn't risk this." josh was still lost. 

"what would happen if this really went somewhere big and we ended up..." he lost the words, couldn't say them. josh's fingers had gone completely still in his hands. "so maybe we should just go ahead and..." 

josh stared at him for what felt like eternity, tyler could feel his eyes on him but he couldn't meet them. 

"you think... you wanna end this?" he sounded so small, and tyler wanted to break.

_no_. tyler nodded and glanced up. josh's unsure smile had withered, and the look on his face made tyler's breath catch in his throat, he'd never been very good at masking how he felt, especially around tyler. 

disbelief. he wanted tyler to tell him it was all a joke, just another one of his bad jokes that josh never quite understood but found endearing. 

tyler was handling this all wrong. he wanted josh to  _fight_ him on this, knew it would only take the slightest push and he'd cave, he'd risk it, he'd make himself commit to something, to someone, for once, he'd take on the thing he was so terrified of, he'd give josh the  _universe_ if it were within his reach. he just needed him to say it. 

_please_. "if that's... if it's what you want." 

_please_. "maybe you're right, i mean, what would we do if, you know, if it didn't work out?" an empty laugh. 

_please_. "no, i think, yeah, that's for the best. this, this is more important. we really have something here," josh wouldn't meet his eyes, "and you're one of my best friends, we can just be..." his eyes flashed briefly to tyler and returned to the ground, "be friends? instead?" like a question, like he needed one more confirmation.  _is this really what you want?_  tyler wanted to tell him no, he'd rather die nameless than give him up for a chance at something like this. he wanted josh to see through his lie like he'd seen through everything else before. his hands shook and he knew josh felt it. 

but tyler said nothing. josh searched his face for any sign of doubt. anything to signal that it was okay to disagree, to fight for it. but for once, josh couldn't read a thing. neither spoke for several moments. tyler gently let go of josh's hands, tucked his own under his legs. josh hated the finality of it all. like tyler was  _letting him go_. 

josh stood without another word, walked to the doorway. the room seemed bigger now. tyler still said nothing. 

he kept his back to tyler, hated how small and defeated he sounded when he paused to say "i'll wait" and left without looking back to see if tyler was watching. 

he spent that night in his own bedroom, in his own bed, with his own sheets and his own pillow, and everything felt wrong. everything felt different. the snow outside was different, 3am was different,  _josh_ was different. but he had to give tyler credit; he'd always been the same. and josh was a fool to think he could change that so easily.  

**3.2015**  •••

the wedding is in a week. march 28th. josh is split down the middle. 

there's two tylers for josh these days. his best friend is getting married, and his happiness isn't faked. he wants tyler to be happy above all else, and he  _is_. it's what josh wants for him. 

the other tyler is a memory, josh reminds himself. he's not in there anymore, if he were they wouldn't be here right now. he's made a shallow peace with it. he prays it lasts, josh is tired of his own misery, and he's tired of fake smiles and weak effort. he wants to look at his best friend and feel something other than bitterness and love that never really existed in the first place. he's making up his mind, he's done. 

it becomes bearable, easy even, to hear about the wedding. as the week wanes, tyler becomes more anxious and more closed off. josh knows it's in a good way, he's just nervous. he does what he can to reassure him, tells tyler what he's doing is right, that jenna loves him, and the look on tyler's face is almost amusing, josh knows he's a bit thrown off. as close as they've always been, as strong as their friendship has been and as much as they've confided in each other, the one subject josh has never touched more than he had to was tyler's relationship with jenna. it was always the one thing they didn't discuss much, and it could've been blamed on tyler's tendency to not talk openly about his emotions. but they both knew the real reason it was easier to not bring up these things, so as expected tyler is surprised. but it's a happy surprise, something in tyler's eyes tells josh it means something deeper than just a pre-wedding peptalk, and josh feels a slight pang of guilt for not letting tyler have that sooner. but better late than never. 

he stops leaving the room with the "i'll let you two be alone" excuse, he doesn't escape to the other bus every night, he becomes more involved in the things best friends should be. he doesn't know if he's really growing, finally moving on, or if he's fooling himself for tyler's sake but if it makes tyler this happy, whatever it is he'll keep doing it. 

••• **5.2013**  

josh realized after he'd spent enough time looking for someone to waste his time with that he didn't want a relationship. he just needed another human being, someone to put an end to his family (and tyler's) incessant questioning about whether he'd found anyone yet, someone he could be around without wishing he was with tyler. so a girl who asked when she could meet tyler didn't help much. 

josh did try with girls. several, in fact. but the second he found one decent enough, no matter how nice or pretty or funny she was, it was too evident that she wasn't tyler. but debby was a different story. obviously she still wasn't tyler, no one could be. but she was something the other girls weren't. none of the other girls had tried to be his friend. 

it didn't take much for josh to trust debby. or for him to want to see her again. debby seemed to understand the situation better than josh did himself, she never pushed or pried. josh came to the conclusion she probably just thought he was closed off and was biding her time before she tried moving things along further. fine by him, maybe by the time she was ready to make her move she'd know there wasn't a point. but debby was always full of surprises. it took a month for josh to actually realize what this was. it wasn't a relationship, though they presented it as one. there was this unspoken agreement between them, and josh was grateful someone was finally reading him again. 

when he got around to introducing her to his family, his friends, he couldn't help the small flicker of satisfaction he felt at tyler's expression. the initial shock in his eyes.  _josh actually found someone?_  he might've been offended if it weren't so amusing. so maybe having someone other than tyler wasn't the worst idea after all. 

**3.2015**  •••

when tyler told him he was asking his brother to be his best man, josh almost laughed with relief. he'd told him it was fine, of course he understood. he'd still stand up there, be wherever tyler wanted him to be in the wedding. as long as he wasn't giving a speech, he was golden. which wasn't a lie. 

the last couple days have been a rush, and josh himself hasn't had much time to think straight. he doesn't want to think about what a mess tyler's head has been. 

the morning of the wedding is busy, as expected, people keep rushing around and telling josh what he can help with. he passes the time by carrying things and hoping debby shows up soon so he can have a reason to stop "helping." which would probably be a good thing in the eyes of the staff, considering they've had to rearrange everything he's attempted to set up. 

debby eventually shows and he practically sprints to her. "took you long enough," he takes her hand, tries to look like he's excited to finally see his  _girlfriend_. debby starts on about her hair or dress or something that didn't match, josh doesn't know because tyler walks in and he mentally mutes everything else. debby drops his hand and gives him a push toward tyler, "i'll see you later, i'm gonna go check in with jenna, alright?" he gives her an apologetic smile. she just nudges his shoulder again with an amused look and leaves in search of the bride. 

josh catches tyler's eye from a few feet away and the relieved look his best friend gives him makes him feel useful. josh closes the distance between them, "so are we supposed to be doing something?" tyler breathes a nervous laugh, "beats me, i've been wandering around trying to find someone to tell me what to do, but no one seems to want me to help out on my wedding day, imagine that." tyler is rambling, it's endearing, and josh feels a twinge of affection. 

eventually someone does come to find them, tells them what to do. the day moves more quickly after that, becomes a bit of a blur. but everything grinds to a halt when it's time for the actual ceremony. 

josh is far too aware of what's happening now. his tie is too tight and he's fidgeting in his place on the step between tyler's brothers and some friend of tyler's whose name he can't be bothered to remember at the moment.  _breathe_. 

_why_ , why is this happening, he's okay, josh is okay. he let tyler go, but it's like some part of him forgot that fact the second he saw tyler take jenna's hands in his and he can't believe  _this_ is why his breathing's gone shallow, not because he's standing up in front of a group of people, but  _this_. tyler might as well be the one choking him. 

they're speaking. vows. jenna's are first and josh is sorry to admit he can't make out a word of them. it's like listening to someone talk through a wall. he casts a glance out over the small group of people seated in the church, finds debby watching him with a worried expression. he returns his attention to the  _happy couple_. 

tyler is talking, looking at jenna like she's the only person in the room. he wants to focus on what tyler's saying but the only thing he can hear in his mind is his own thoughts. 

_i waited for you_

tyler's voice bleeds in but sounds so far away. "no one's ever been able to see me like you."  

he can feel debby's eyes still on him, he must look as sick as he feels. surely no one else is bothering to look at him, so he doesn't mind right now. tyler's words distort again. 

_i waited for you and you did not wait for me_

he watches tyler, looking at jenna with so much adoration, holding jenna's hands, hands that should be his hands. 

he remembers tyler's  _hands_ and chapped lips and cold skin and conversations at the most senseless hours. although he'll never have those things again outside of fleeting memories, josh  _needs_ them. so badly he wants to step down and  _beg_ tyler not to do this. his legs are numb, he couldn't move them if he truly wanted to, but his chest and throat ache with words that won't  _can't_ come out. this room is too empty and still josh feels crowded. 

he watches the scene before him unfold and feels every bit the  _best friend_  he is. rings, more words, the kiss. the latter makes josh's head spin, and the minute he's able to walk again, leave that room, he breathes. debby's hand finds his with a reassuring squeeze, and it steadies him a bit. "you looked like death up there, you feel okay? you feel dizzy?" josh isn't sure which emotion is stronger, the nausea or the anger. he had this under control, he was  _past_ it. maybe seeing it play out is just different than imagining it, maybe it's just gonna take a minute to comprehend, he'll be alright again in a few seconds. nausea keeps clawing at his throat, he does feel dizzy. he just shakes his head, tugs debby forward. he needs air. 

he has to make it through the reception, he has to play along and pretend he wants to dance, smile, go around talking to tyler's family and agreeing that  _yes, they're perfect for each other_. he has to make sure tyler sees him, knows how happy josh is for him, how grateful he is to be there. 

but once the act's gone on long enough, once people begin leaving, the second tyler's done with him and moves on to thank some relative for coming, josh is already making for the hallway. he's grateful to debby for knowing not to follow. 

he'll do better, he'll  _be_ better, he just needs one last chance to lose his mind for a minute and he'll be okay for good. 

the air stings josh's skin when the doors open to the courtyard, it's too cold, too familiar. his throat feels tight, he shouldn't be doing this here.  _cold cold cold_. it's freezing, he'd run out without a coat but can't bother to care at the moment. 

he stands there, hands braced on his knees, watching clouds of his breath dissipate into nothing for several minutes until he can think straight. 

how did they get here? how did he let it go this far? _i'll tell him, i'll confess, one last shot._  he was a coward. he let the last piece of tyler slip away, and the pain in his chest is too real to ignore, too real for him to pretend that it isn't impossible for him to ever get that piece back. 

he presses his back against the cold brick of the church, lets himself slide down into the snow and focus on breathing.  _how_. 

what if tyler  _had_ been waiting? waiting for one sign that he shouldn't go through with it? josh wants so desperately to believe tyler would drop everything for him, would forget jenna ever existed and  _love_ him instead. he's so tired of dreaming and imagining things that will never happen. 

he digs his hands into the snow, willing it to numb his skin and maybe the rest of him, too, so he can go back inside and smile. his tongue slips between his teeth, and his hands fist, he lets the bite of the snow ground him. 

_don't do that, you'll get frostbite._

déjà vu hits him at full force.  _josh, come on, let's go back in. s'too cold._

something tugs at his mind, and he bites down into his tongue until he tastes blood. 

••• **11.2011**

they were cold, and so close. snow was so common and yet they were always in awe, always willing to stay awake to watch it fall so slowly, like snow always did in the middle of the night. always so carefully and silently, like it was aware of people sleeping inside. josh could barely hear tyler's breathing, he wanted to lie on his chest, feel him living, assure himself that this moment was real. as if some small part of him knew it'd be nothing more than an empty memory by tomorrow. 

he studied the boy he lay against. tyler was really something to see. he was dark eyes and soft hair, cold skin and bitten lips. he was shaking hands and 3am conversations and soft words spoken into darkness. josh was addicted to every aspect of him and he didn't want this to end. 

tyler must have felt him staring, his eyes left the window to focus on josh. he barely smiled, brushed a piece of josh's hair that had grown too long off his forehead, whispered, "what are you thinking about?" 

_everything_. "nothing," a lie he knew tyler saw through. he shook his head, "just... you, mostly." tyler just breathed, looked away to the wall behind josh. "it's kinda late." 

josh glanced at the alarm clock. 3:42 A.M. he pressed his lips to tyler's shoulder, nudged him so he'd lie on his back. when tyler obliged, josh did lay his head on his chest, over his heart, felt it beating in a steady rhythm against his cheek. tyler's hand absentmindedly went to the back of josh's head, fingers threading through his hair. he barely caught josh's next words, mumbled into his skin, "let's go outside." 

josh felt tyler's fond laugh more than he heard it, "outside? it's 4 am, what are you on?" josh shut his eyes, "why not?" josh always was his weakness. if anyone could make tyler haul himself out of bed and into the freezing november night, it was this boy. this ridiculous, innocent boy that  _loved_ him. tyler's heart hurt. 

outside, josh watched the snow and tyler watched josh. studied him, the way he laughed and the way he breathed. the way he knelt down and gathered snow in his bare hands. 

"don't do that, you'll get frostbite," tyler's voice seemed too loud in the silence of the snow. josh gave him an incredulous look, "sure i will," and dug his hands into the snow. tyler sighed, watched the cloud of his breath form and fade in the air around him.  _stubborn idiot_. 

"josh, come on, let's go back in," tyler inhaled sharply, "s'too cold." and turned toward the back door.  

tyler stopped short at josh's freezing hand slipping into his, pulling him back a step. he turned too slowly, met josh's too-serious eyes. josh's hand rested on tyler's neck, and tyler didn't feel like looking into his eyes anymore. he pulled josh into him, head on tyler's shoulder and hands clasped at the base of his spine. he felt josh breathe, felt eyelashes closing slowly against his bare neck, and tightened his embrace.  _now_. he couldn't breathe around the few words stuck in his throat, couldn't force them the rest of the way out. they stood in silence for several minutes. tyler watched snow begin to collect on josh's shoulders, and gave up. 

••• 

**Author's Note:**

> thank you for reading, i'd love to hear your thoughts x
> 
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